I can't imagine going into my ministry next year without having gone through seminary. Even just this one year has made such a difference in the way I see our faith and my vocation. I feel like I finally have my own theology. Before I had this odd conglomeration of ideas that came from different places -- some from very mistaken places -- and now I have really figured out who God is and the way He interacts with the world. I have overcome being indoctrinated into any one group's ideas, and, after some struggle, I've also overcome being reactionary to any one group (for the most part). I feel like I can own the title "Reverend" when the time comes for my commissioning, and I feel like, for the first time, I can own the title "Methodist." I had no idea how Methodist I really was until I started studying our tradition and kept going "Yeah, that's right!" It feels so good to associate myself with something I can believe in fully. Our history, doctrines, and polity are something I believe strongly in, and I can say that with confidence.
The only negative part of finding my own theology is how difficult it is when I encounter people with other theological views. It's not that I think that I have it all figured out; it's just that when I hear ideas like "the elect," with the idea that God would choose certain people to be His and another group of people to eternal damnation, it hurts my heart. There are a lot of differing theological views that I can agree to disagree on, but things like that just make me wonder how someone could believe in a God so small. Where is God's love if we don't have free will? What is the purpose of life if not to choose God?
But even dealing with those kinds of theological viewpoints is something I can handle now -- I couldn't have a year ago. I have a base of knowledge that I didn't have before. Of course knowledge isn't everything, but not understanding Church and Bible history really hinders someone who wants to understand what we're all about. Especially if you're in the ministry. I appreciate more and more the grueling process of candidacy our church requires for ordination. The church cares enough that "a call" isn't enough to make a good minister. It's necessary, and the most important part, which is why the majority of the process deals with investigating that call. But our church understands that both education and experience are essential to a good pastor, regardless of where they are serving. Our church knows that anyone who truly feels called by God to ordained ministry will be willing to go through these steps, and if you aren't willing to take this route, then maybe it's not your calling.
I've also finally come to the point that I am really, truly ready to be married. I've known that I am supposed to marry Will for a long time now, but until a couple of months ago I wasn't actually ready to be married. Now, I am more ready to be settled in a home than I have ever been. I have really enjoyed my time being independent, especially since I've been in Boston. But I know that I was not made to be alone. Some people are, but not me. I need someone around me who has the same ideas, beliefs, and loves that I do. Although many of my friends here fulfill some of those qualities, no one has all of them. I miss my people at home, especially Will of course. I thrive on being around people who care about the same things as me, and it's been hard since I've been here. Most of my friends here aren't going into the ministry, and those who are aren't going into youth ministry. I'm just ready to be around people who care about youth as much as I do. I think by the end of the summer I'll be ready to come back and finish up my last year, but I know more and more every day where I want to be.
I wish I had updated this more this year. I wish I could see the little bits and pieces along the way as I have come to the place I am now. But maybe it's better that I just see the finished product. I say that like I think it's finished, but I know that I'll never be finished. I just now feel like I have somewhere to really start from as I seek to grow.
So, whether or not any of that made sense, I don't know, but that's my initial thought for the close of this year. We'll see where we end up by next year.
