I'm getting married in 207 days. Wow.

There's really no good way to wrap up this year. I can't explain how I've grown, how I've changed, and really how I've figured out the ways I'm still the same person I was when I left. That may not make any sense, but somehow it's true. 

I can't imagine going into my ministry next year without having gone through seminary. Even just this one year has made such a difference in the way I see our faith and my vocation. I feel like I finally have my own theology. Before I had this odd conglomeration of ideas that came from different places -- some from very mistaken places -- and now I have really figured out who God is and the way He interacts with the world. I have overcome being indoctrinated into any one group's ideas, and, after some struggle, I've also overcome being reactionary to any one group (for the most part). I feel like I can own the title "Reverend" when the time comes for my commissioning, and I feel like, for the first time, I can own the title "Methodist." I had no idea how Methodist I really was until I started studying our tradition and kept going "Yeah, that's right!" It feels so good to associate myself with something I can believe in fully. Our history, doctrines, and polity are something I believe strongly in, and I can say that with confidence. 

The only negative part of finding my own theology is how difficult it is when I encounter people with other theological views. It's not that I think that I have it all figured out; it's just that when I hear ideas like "the elect," with the idea that God would choose certain people to be His and another group of people to eternal damnation, it hurts my heart. There are a lot of differing theological views that I can agree to disagree on, but things like that just make me wonder how someone could believe in a God so small. Where is God's love if we don't have free will? What is the purpose of life if not to choose God? 

But even dealing with those kinds of theological viewpoints is something I can handle now -- I couldn't have a year ago. I have a base of knowledge that I didn't have before. Of course knowledge isn't everything, but not understanding Church and Bible history really hinders someone who wants to understand what we're all about. Especially if you're in the ministry. I appreciate more and more the grueling process of candidacy our church requires for ordination. The church cares enough that "a call" isn't enough to make a good minister. It's necessary, and the most important part, which is why the majority of the process deals with investigating that call. But our church understands that both education and experience are essential to a good pastor, regardless of where they are serving. Our church knows that anyone who truly feels called by God to ordained ministry will be willing to go through these steps, and if you aren't willing to take this route, then maybe it's not your calling. 

I've also finally come to the point that I am really, truly ready to be married. I've known that I am supposed to marry Will for a long time now, but until a couple of months ago I wasn't actually ready to be married. Now, I am more ready to be settled in a home than I have ever been. I have really enjoyed my time being independent, especially since I've been in Boston. But I know that I was not made to be alone. Some people are, but not me. I need someone around me who has the same ideas, beliefs, and loves that I do. Although many of my friends here fulfill some of those qualities, no one has all of them. I miss my people at home, especially Will of course. I thrive on being around people who care about the same things as me, and it's been hard since I've been here. Most of my friends here aren't going into the ministry, and those who are aren't going into youth ministry. I'm just ready to be around people who care about youth as much as I do. I think by the end of the summer I'll be ready to come back and finish up my last year, but I know more and more every day where I want to be. 

I wish I had updated this more this year. I wish I could see the little bits and pieces along the way as I have come to the place I am now. But maybe it's better that I just see the finished product. I say that like I think it's finished, but I know that I'll never be finished. I just now feel like I have somewhere to really start from as I seek to grow. 

So, whether or not any of that made sense, I don't know, but that's my initial thought for the close of this year. We'll see where we end up by next year.

gearing up for summer ...

I am looking more and more forward to being back at camp this summer. I think that my position may actually be my dream job. I love encouraging people in ministry, and I love that that itself is ministry. I also understand the theory right now a lot better than I practice it, so that's also a benefit of being able to encourage young people in ministry.

I just really hope that everything I see as the potential benefit of having someone in my position this summer actually comes to fruition. That was an awkward sentence, but basically, I hope that this staff USES me! I just think back to my days on staff and how amazing it would have been to have had a non-partisan person there to talk to and who was there just to take care of us. Troy does an amazing job at that already, but there's still the fact that he is the boss. That just takes away some of a staff member's ability to be completely candid. 

So, if you happen to be on staff this summer and have found my blog, USE me!! Please?

If you care anything about youth ministry, and find anything about literature intriguing in the slightest, I have to recommend Sarah Arthur's The God-Hungry Imagination. She looks at the essential connections among God, story, and youth ministry. It's something that has been so fragmented inside of me, and she brings them all together so beautifully. I feel like my personal theology of youth ministry is being more and more defined with every page. Very few of the ideas shock me. I find myself going, "Yes!" pretty often. It just seems to be the kind of thing that has already shaped much of my ministry, but now I have very specific details and illustrations of what it really is and why it works. Not to mention it brings together my two educational endeavors. 

The best part is, I actually am reading it for class! I get to write a paper on it. And that paper should help me further define my theology of youth ministry and my personal theology as a whole. Amazing. That's all for now. I'm sure there will be more to come.

I've realized more and more things lately that I already knew, but I'm beginning to understand them. My dependence must be only on God in Jesus Christ, and there is no hope outside of Him. I've discovered my humanity and my imperfection, but I know even more that my goal should be more than that. I've realized that the best friends are still best friends even if you don't talk for days, weeks, or months on end. I've discovered that the man I love is really the one for me because I long for him even from 1400 miles away. I've learned that I have to do my part in my sanctification, which includes experiencing God in any way I can, especially through scripture. I've realized I can't let myself be brainwashed by the loud voices surrounding me, and I can't brainwash myself through a reaction to those voices. I've learned that the voices I used to think were a little extreme or crazy are more reasonable than I thought. I have learned that something with the same name in two different places can look very, very different. I'm sure I'll be learning for a while

whew ...

Wedding dress shopping is a pretty stressful task. Megan, Jenny and I went to a couple of boutiques here in Boston today. I didn't really want to find anything -- I want to shop with Mom -- but it never hurts to look, especially when one place is having a sample sale. 

We went to L'elite Bridals on Newbury Street because they were having a 30-75% off sample sale. We walked in without an appointment, but the place was empty, so the girl was willing to let me try some stuff on. However, she made a huge deal about how normally I wouldn't be seen without an appointment at all and when I came back (not a good assumption after her attitude) that I should be sure to make an appointment. Oh snotty Boston elites. In any case, one dress was pretty but nothing to drop any cash over. We didn't stay there long.

We decided to head over to Priscilla of Boston on Boylston just to see if they would take a walk-in and see what they had. Very different experience. They were glad to take me, as they weren't busy. The sales girl was very helpful and sweet even though I told her from the beginning that I wouldn't be buying anything that day. It was just like what you see on TLC's Say Yes to the Dress at Kleinfeld's in New York. I got my own dressing room, undergarments and robe. Bethany, my sales associate, sat down with me and asked about what I was looking for, the wedding itself, venues, and everything. It was perfect. She brought me some amazing dresses (if only she knew that the least expensive one I tried on was more than five times my dress budget!), and I was able to try some styles I hadn't thought would work with my body type. 

Turns out I have lots of options style-wise. Which actually makes the decision much more difficult. I wish I could go with Mom soon, though. I can't wait to look at Low's in Arkansas. At least I now also know that I probably won't be able to decide on anything without Mom being there. I loved a couple of the dresses I tried on today, but even with Megan and Jenny's affirmation of most of them, I really needed Mom there with her honesty and the fact that she just knows me. I don't think there will be any way for me to feel like I've found "the one" without seeing Mom's face first. 

sometimes God says, hey! think about this!!

In light of the events of yesterday, I find it interesting the circumstances surrounding the devastation caused by tornadoes in West Tennessee. It happened on Super Tuesday and Mardis Gras. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that God was punishing anyone. Far from it. I don't think God caused any of it to happen all at the same time, but I do think that God put some of these ideas into my head. 

For something so devastating to happen on a day that is a big deal to so many people, I think there are lessons to be learned. I don't think that it's a sign that elections are bad and anarchy should be adopted, but I think that events like this cause us to reexamine just what an election is about. It's not about one party or person versus another. It's about the ubiquitous desire for the best person for the job. Exactly who that is or what characteristics he or she should have is up for grabs, but no matter what camp you're in, you want the best for our country. There's a common goal there. 

I remember when the tornado hit our house in '97. There were generally two kinds of people who came to our neighborhood: those there to help and those there to gawk. Yes, gawk. There is no better word. I remember how many people came to help us and our neighbors clean up, and how many different places they were from. There were Baptists and Methodists working together (*gasp!*), there were students from Dad's classes, and there were people we didn't even know (and that's saying a lot in a town like Dyersburg!). The people at Shoney's knew us by name because we ate there almost every night for a couple of weeks, and they often wouldn't charge us for our meals because they knew our situation. I remember seeing that kind of support and love and compassion and unity in our community after something that was so very tragic and devastating. 

Seeing the aftermath of yesterday's storms, I am reminded so intensely of those few weeks after our house was demolished. It was a time of grief, mourning, and rebuilding, both materially and emotionally. But it was also a time that I saw the kind of community and love and compassion that Jesus preached and lived. It's the kind of unity that the church would want and needs desperately. So when I see this devastation and the grief many people are experiencing right now, I'm also seeing the amazing love that they are going to be shown in the coming weeks, because I know these communities and I know these people. People who may never have known love like this before are going to know it now. And I hope that the churches there are able to show Jesus' love in a way that some of those folks have never seen. And once you experience His love, it's just a step away from experiencing his grace and saving message. 

Yesterday was also Mardis Gras, a day of extravagance, feasting, and decadence. Again, I'm not condemning the celebration by any means, but I think some of what it can represent is part of another lesson in these events. The beginning of the Lenten season is always one of contemplation for me and for many. "To give up or to take on? Or both? Give up chocolate or cokes? Meat? No, that's too hard." There's an inward focus to a lot of what goes into Lent, but what exactly is the purpose of giving something up? Self-discipline is certainly an important part of it, but another aspect is that of being deprived of a privilege. Even something as simple as cokes or coffee or chocolate is a privilege that many don't enjoy. The devastation of losing one's home and all of one's belongings is such a more humbling experience than any Lenten discipline I can imagine. I hope that we can identify this Lent with those who have been forced into their own discipline in the mid-south. 

These are the things I've been thinking about. Any thoughts?